And You, Little Johnny?

"What did you get for Christmas?"

I got a whole lot, actually. Even some of what Boss Lady got was for me. First off, Boss Lady's Mother gave me a new Bone. The Bone I got last year for Christmas is looking kind of sad. Boss Lady's been thinking about retiring it, because I keep breaking off pieces. And you're not supposed to be able to break off whole pieces of a nylabone. Anyway, I really appreciated the new Bone. Of course, I would've appreciated it more had they actually taken it out of the package and let me chew on it. No, they thought it would be funny to make the poor, stupid, dog open it himself. Have you ever tried to open those plastic packages? It's impossible. I scratched it, and chewed it and I couldn't get into that thing. Finally I settled on chewing Bone through the plastic package. And they wouldn't even let me do that. What party poopers.





Bone vs One Year Old Bone. Hard to believe, isn't it.


So, on to the plain, white envelope from Aunt A. I had some pent up frustration left over from the Bone, so my initial approach to the envelope was a bit rough. I was thinking about good old fashioned paper shredding, Boss Lady wouldn't let me. Which turned out to be a good idea. That plain, white envelope was more than it seemed. It was a whole $30 to our favorite pet store. WooHoo! Doggie level treat buffet, here I come!!! Boss Lady tells me I'll have to spend some of it on non-food items. Maybe a new collar, to match my snazzy harness. I think I even heard her mention doggie shampoo. I'm going to have to veto that. Christmas presents should not be spent on implements of torture.

That was it for my presents. I know, I think I got cheated. Maybe I shouldn't have chased away that fat dude in the red suit. Or threatened to chew on his reindeer. Oh well. As I mentioned, some of Boss Lady's gifts are really for me, so I'll tell you about those.

First, she got a new adventuring backpack. Considering the old one was an original from when she was little and they all went on family hikes, it really was time for a new pack. This one is a little bigger, the better to carry 2 water bottles. And it has more padding. The better to protect ones back from the banging of 2 water bottles. And it has numurous pockets, one of which, I am promised, will be dedicated to me.

Now, for the bestest of her presents: snow shoes! Tubbs snow shoes, to be precise. And anybody who knows snow shoes knows that Tubbs makes mighty fine snow shoes. Boss Lady can't wait to get out and try them this weekend. We might have lost all our snow to the rain Wed. night, but we know where we can find plenty more. Having her very own snow shoes means she doesn't have to steal Boss Lady's Mother's pair. And it means they can go hiking together instead of only one at a time. Nothing can stop us now.

I figure I should mention the crowning glory of presents now. Boss Lady protests that it is not actually a Christmas present. She tells me that it is simply a coincidence that it appeared Christmas Morning. I don't really care. It's for me, and it's pretty grand. My very own Dog Crib. We're either going to have to amend the name, or seriously work on PR. I know it started life as a stinky diaper type crib, but I plan to convert it to my very own Crib.


It only needs a little work. A slab of plywood so it doesn't sag. A nice thick mattress so I'll be comfy. Maybe a new coat of paint. A more permament place in her room.


Are you jealous, yet?

Is This What You Meant?

I took Boss Lady's comments seriously the other night when she told me that I needed to do a better job as guard dog. As you'll recall, she was concerned that I was not fulfilling all my roles and responsibilities as guard dog. I wasn't greeting her at the door. I wasn't announcing the arrival of guests. I generally wasn't guarding the place.

To prove to her that I am fulfilling my dogly duties, I spent this week guarding the house. I barked at the people walking on the sidewalk in front of the house. I growled at the kids being vomited from that big yellow bus. I threatened to go through the window and attack the neighbor's dog that accidentally got loose and wandered into our yard. I greeted all humans at the door, and even remembered to bring Bone and drop it on their feet.

As reward for the perfect execution of my responsibilities, I was banned from the festivities on Thanksgiving. No scritches and scratches from friendly guests for me. No accidentally or otherwise dropped food on the floor. No opportunities to impress with my expanded repetoire of tricks. Nope. I was unceremoniously gated first in the living room, and then in the front hall. At all times within sight and sound of all the festivities, but not actually involved.

Supposedly this was not a punishment. Supposedly this had nothing to do with how well I did, or didn't, perform as guard dog. Supposedly this was simply because an 11 year old 2nd cousin was one of the welcomed guests, and I don't generally get on well with 11 year olds, be they 2nd cousins or not. Supposedly, as a dog, I don't have a memory long enough to hold a grudge. Supposedly, my tail.

So, when C and her boyfriend arrived later Thanksgiving evening, I made sure to threaten each of them as they came through the door. And when C arrived again this afternoon, I made double sure to bark ferociously, jump all over the door, and refuse her entry until Boss Lady came out and called me off. We can't be letting strangers who could be axe murders into the house after all. And when Boss Lady arrives home from work next time, you can be sure I will enthusiastically greet her at the door and I will be sure not to drop Bone on her toes until after she's been able to take off her shoes.