You Want Me To What?

What does she want?! I have no idea. She gets out the clicker, and we run through the usuals. Down, crawl, circle, turn around, musica (that's my new one! I can play the piano!) Then, she puts this thing on the floor, and it rings like the thing on the wall, but it sounds a little different. You know, the thing that rings, and then a human picks it up and talks to it. I don't know why they talk to it. If they wanted someone to talk to, I'm right there.

Anyway, so she puts this thing on the floor. It's making a strange noise, and it's on the floor, so I go investigate. Click! Oh, boy, I did something she liked. I go claim my treat, and go back to investigate. Another click!! I'm liking this. I get my treat, and back I go to the ringing thing. Only, now it has stopped ringing, and really it's not very interesting, so I turn around when I'm only part way to the ringing thing and I go back to her. No clicks. Wait a minute...where's my click? I look at her, and she's staring at the ringing-but-not-right-now-ringing thing. She's watching it like it's going to attack or something. So, I go rushing over to check this out. We can't have anything attacking her. Click!!! What the heck is going on? I cannot figure out these clicks. She's still watching it, so I better go back over and investigate more closely. Click! Hmmm...... This seems to be working, whenever I get near it, Click! Alright, I don't know why she wants me to, but I'll do it. Except, now I'm practically standing on it and she's not clicking! I swatted it with my foot, I tried to bite it, but she's not clicking. Then, suddenly, randomly, she clicks!

Ok, I don't know who put her in charge of the clicker, but I am going to take responsibility for firing her. This totally random clicking is not helping me at all. Click! now, what was that for!?! Apparently she doesn't like the biting or the foot swatting and she does like the nose. Well, I've got lots of nose, and I don't mind using it. HEY! CAN YOU SEE ME? I'M NOSING ALL OVER THIS THING! Click! finally, thank you. I'm starting to get this, she wants me to only nose on the pick-upable part. Ok, I can do that. Click! Well, that was easy. But, really, couldn't you have just told me that from the beginning? Instead of all this foolishness with the foot swatting and biting. Really, was it that difficult to say: Colyn, I want you to smush your slobbery nose all over the pick-upable part of the ringing thing?

It's Mine! All Mine!

Early this week, the humans brought home a frozen 20 pound turkey. They didn't say so, but I knew they got it for me. They really are devoted to me. The turkey sat around on the counter for awhile so it could thaw. I also saw it in the fridge every time they opened the door. Yesterday morning it was stuffed full of something yummy smelling and shoved in the oven. I couldn't believe how thoughtful my humans were being. I couldn't wait to sink my teeth into that bird. After many days of waiting (they claim it was only a few hours, but I know better) my turkey was finally removed from the oven. I was so eager I was drooling. I backed up so they could put it on the floor, but instead they put it on the counter. I was about to complain, but then they explained that they wanted to let it cool off a little bit. I'm telling you, these people are just the greatest. They even made sure I didn't burn my mouth. I have to tell you, though, it was extremely difficult to contain myself while the turkey cooled. I think I created a small puddle of drool while I was waiting. Finally, they deemed the turkey cool enough for consumption. Again, I made sure there was plenty of space on the floor for my turkey. But, they weren't ready to give it to me yet. First they wanted to carve it into neat little pieces. I don't know why. I certainly didn't need it cut up, my teeth work just fine. In recognition of their kindness, I continued to wait for my reward. I waited and waited and waited. I watched as all the nicely carved meat was neatly placed on a platter. I began to wonder if they had forgotten why they got the turkey. I don't eat off a platter, I eat out of a stainless steel bowl. Then I thought maybe they were going to give me a special platter to go with my special meal. Of course, that's exactly what they were doing. I would have to think of something really terrific to do to reward them. Finally, the turkey was all carved. I stood up to signal my readiness for dinner. And then I watched in utter astonishment as they carried my turkey to the table. They all sat down and started eating.

Wait a minute! Where's my turkey?! I waited so patiently. Surely you didn't forget about me? I'm the dog; how could anyone forget about me? I sat politely; no response. I downed on the rug; still no response. I gave them my best sad puppy dog eyes; nothing. I whined pathetically; that elicited a quick reprimand. Then I started thinking. I thought and thought and thought. Just one word was running through my mind: TURKEY! I was going to get some of that bird no matter what. I just needed to bend their minds to mine. I watched the turkey platter go around the table, I awaited the perfect moment. I needed the turkey to be in the only perfectly accessible place and then I would strike. When the turkey reached the end of the table near me I knew it was time to strike. The platter was balanced in mid-air, passing from one set of human hands to the next. I flung waves of thoughts at the humans: drop the platter, drop the platter, drop the platter. I could tell it was working. The platter started to dip towards the floor, then it was actually tipping. I shot my strongest thought waves and the platter actually fell! All the turkey spilled. I had done it! The turkey was mine! Oh, the excitement, the satisfaction, the power of a doggie mind. I was going to eat all that turkey. It was going to be so good.

Unfortunately, I stopped sending my thought waves a second too soon. One of the humans grabbed for the turkey and managed to actually save all of it. The platter landed on the table, and only a couple of the tiniest scraps ended up on the floor. And even those were snatched out of my reach when another human threw her body in front of me and grabbed those scraps. I was left to sadly watch as my turkey platter continued to make it's way around the table. *sigh* Maybe next year my plan will work better.

Well, We Try To Be Environmentally Friendly

Boss Lady was perusing her presence on the internet last night, because she had nothing better to do, and she came across a bunch of stuff she'd written on another website several years ago. Much of it was about me. She'd forgotten how much she wrote. Now, she wants to reclaim it. To do so, she will be recycling it through this blog from time to time. So, in the near future you might find yourself reading stories that seem a hair of out place. Don't worry, though, I won't let her go too crazy.