Mixed Metaphors

I’m not sure what to call my adventure this morning. Maybe a run, hike, run. When Boss Lady was little Boss Lady’s Father worked with a fellow who was quite involved in the local foot and bike races. Lacking anything better to do, Boss Lady’s Father used to help out at said races. And Boss Lady used to tag along. She recalls lots of Run, Bike Runs. So, I guess my adventure was a run, hike, run.

I was none to clear what the adventure would be when we got started. Boss Lady collected my harness, rope leash, and back pack. That indicates a hike. She also packed a water bottle and my rope leash in the back pack. That indicates a probably local hike, because we’ll walk to the hiking trail. This could be a hike to the boardwalk, or out at the Rugby field. You’ll note she only packed water for herself. That indicates where ever we’re hiking is wet and I’ll be able to find plenty of water for myself. This rules out either the boardwalk or the Rugby field because neither have large quantities of drinkable water. It could mean swimming at Sabotka’s, but the weather really isn’t that warm. Just when I was thoroughly confused, Boss Lady grabbed my prong collar and short leash, which indicate either a bike ride or regular walk. Paired with the backpack, it must mean some sort of new bike riding adventure.

It was, indeed a bike ride. We went the long way around town and then out to Sabotka’s. And there was a lot more traffic than Boss Lady expected. Fortunately, we did just fine navigating it all. Only a couple people gave us dirty looks for being “in the way.”

Boss Lady’s reason for visiting Sabotka’s was the new hiking trail: The Town Farm Trail. There is a ribbon cutting ceremony tomorrow, but I obviously can’t go to that. And Boss Lady really wanted to investigate the new trail. She was worried it would just be a gravel path around the big field near the river. She didn’t expect to be impressed. She thought maybe it would be a nice place for those quick hikes when we don’t have much time. So, she was most surprised to find an actual hiking trail. Through the woods, up a hill, through muddy flats, with lots of tree roots to trip over. We ran out of time to fully explore the trail, but Boss Lady says she’ll go to the ribbon cutting ceremony tomorrow, take the “tour” of the trail, and then take me another day.

Oh, and despite the note in the local paper, the trail is not bike friendly. Not at all. Boss Lady does not say this because of the tree roots. Or the steep hill. Or even the narrow planks across the muddy parts. It’s because to reach the trail head you must cross a steel bridge. There are 4 steps up to the bridge and 4 steps down off the bridge. Bikes and stairs don’t mix well. Of course, I suppose you could always ride through the 4 inch deep stream that the bridge crosses. But, Boss Lady doesn’t think that sounds like much fun. It’s ok, though. She’ll just have to invest in a bike chain/lock so we can bike down to the trail and then hike.

A totally unrelated side note: the first person who guesses the meaning of today’s title will receive an as yet undetermined prize. Just post your guess in a comment.

Now This Is What I'm Talking About

What ever happened to the good ol’ evening walk? Huh? That’s what I want to know. We did just fine with a nice evening walk after supper. I never complained about it. So, why is it the evening walk was supplanted by the evening Bike ride? Really, I’d like to know.

If, however, I’m to be forced to endure (even enjoy) Bike rides, then more of them should be like this evening’s. It started out quite normal. Walk down the hill, at the bottom of the hill Boss Lady mounts up and we head out. I lag and crowd and generally try to dissuade her from the evening’s adventure. I fail to dissuade her and we head out Marble Street towards the Boardwalk. Except this evening, we paused near the Rugby Field entrance.

I like the Rugby Field; it’s lots of fun. Obviously, it is big and open. There are also other short random trails going off the Rugby Field. These trails are very wide, and mowed, but don’t lead anywhere. We can follow all of them in less than an hour. If I’m feeling particularly obedient, and Boss Lady is feeling particularly confident, she sometimes lets me drag the leash so I’m sort of able to run around and play. We play fetch. I sniff animal trails. We investigate deer paths. Boss Lady always promises that One Of These Days we will devote some unspecified length of time to fully investigating these deer trails. We never have yet.

So, back to this evening. The Boss Lady was taking stock of my complete disinterest in the evening’s adventure and was trying to devise a way to excite me. Which is when she lit upon the idea of biking out through the Rugby Field. It’s flat enough for the bike. And while it is just a field, it’s not too rough. Much to my delight, Boss Lady steered the bike towards the Rugby Field, navigated the big marble blocks blocking the entrance (it’s sort of kind of private, but not really) and off we went.

It went ok at first. Then Boss Lady realized that she really needed to shift to an easier gear. She did so and continued peddling. I was romping and trotting and generally very much enjoying myself. Except I was moving a little too fast for Boss Lady. She couldn’t keep up. She shifted to an even easier gear and peddled and peddled and peddled. She still couldn’t keep up. By this point, we had reached an open area with a small stream and the rail road tracks not too far away. Boss Lady’s legs were burning. She decided we had to turn around. I was forced to slow down to maintain the same speed as Boss Lady on the bike. It felt rather peculiar; our roles were reversed. Normally Boss Lady is ahead of me constantly encouraging me to keep up or go faster. She is sometimes forced to slow down just a little so as not to drag me along. Suddenly she was the one going slow and I was encouraging her to hurry up.

When we got back to the road, we continued toward the boardwalk. We had to turn around early because the sun was setting. On our way back, we encountered a fellow with two dogs. He was just pulling up to the Rugby Field to let his dogs run around. He had a Great Dane and a Pug. The Great Dane and Pug were well behaved and allowed off leash. The Great Dane came over to say hi. I got excited. We kind of sniffed, grumbled, bounced around and she trotted off. Boss Lady and this fellow exchanged pleasantries and then parted ways. I’m thinking Bike Rides that involve the Rugby Field should be our new evening adventures.

Gas Powered

As I mentioned in my last post, Boss Lady and I have been biking frequently. As I also, mentioned these biking adventures seem to be doing a good job of taking the edge off my energy supply. They are not, however, exhausting me. Not by any means. These adventures hardly even tire me out, truth be told. We’ve been known to bike for an hour, only to come home and head out for a half hour walk, and even after that I’m not tired. Frequently my first action once released from the leash is too viciously attack Ted, which is something I normally do only when I’m particularly hyper and have no other energy outlet.

This evening after our biking adventure (which was boring as all get out) I was begging to play kick as soon as I had a drink and a quick rest to catch my breath. I gathered all four Mr. Greens (and how I managed to acquire four Boss Lady doesn’t know. I’m only supposed to have two, convinced Boss Lady to let me have three only because one was broken, and where the fourth came from I’m not telling) and proceeded to roll it around, poke her foot with it, and toss it at her (boy does she regret teaching me that trick.) After the bazillionth time I threw Mr. Green at her, Boss Lady wondered aloud where all my energy comes from. Boss Lady’s Father replied that I am gas powered. He has no idea how correct he is.

Lately, I have been very stinky. Not rolled in something dead stinky, but fart stinky. Imagine the stinkiest poo you’ve ever smelled, and that’s the kind of gas I’ve been releasing regularly. Boss Lady swears I have something dead in my stomach. She hasn’t changed my diet (though I regularly supplement it with things like soap or two of what might be the last four home grown fresh out of the garden cucumbers.) Boss Lady is baffled as to why I am suddenly so stinky, but I am on the verge of being banned from any room occupied by humans. That’s how stinky I am. Honestly, I don’t know what they’re complaining about, I haven’t noticed a thing.

Now, can we get started with this game of kick, already?

A Boring Update

The Boss Lady forced me to endure yet another bike ride. We’ve been going out several days a week for the past couple weeks. Boss Lady thinks we are doing better because we are now able to bike to the boardwalk regularly. A few days ago I had lots of energy and the temperature was quite cool, so we actually biked well beyond the boardwalk. I still do not enjoy biking. However, as Boss Lady’s Mother reports that I am calmer and more well behaved, Boss Lady deems our biking a great success. She doesn’t have to expend nearly as much energy and I get much more exercise.

Due to this great success, I get the impression that we will be continuing and expanding our biking adventures. I am sure of this because Boss Lady is beginning to discuss the many improvements her bike needs. First, it needs a non-rusted bike chain. The current chain is all rust. This is perhaps due to the fact that it sat in the damp cellar for many years since it was last regularly used (when Boss Lady was in high school.) Second, it needs working brakes. Currently, only the front brake works. The rear break is totally ineffective. (Perhaps this should really be the first improvement.) Fortunately, this hasn’t been a problem yet because we only bike on flat roads and we don’t go very fast. Less related to safe bike functioning, but still very related to safety, the bike needs an actual light on the front and a blinking light on the back. For better visibility now that it gets dark earlier and earlier. Boss Lady also thinks one of those nice handle bar mounted mirrors would be handy. Each time she looks over her shoulder to check for traffic behind us, she drifts to the left. We both agree that a couple water bottles mounted to the bike frame would be nice. I say a couple because I’d rather not have to share a bottle with her. You know, human germs and all. For her comfort, Boss Lady is considering the possibility of a new bike seat. The current one works, certainly, but is less than 100% comfortable for anything longer than 45 minutes, and our current rides have been lasting about 60 minutes. Lastly, the bike needs a name. Boss Lady is very big on naming things, though she is never good at thinking of names. Our current trouble with naming the bike is that Boss Lady cannot decide if the bike is a boy or a girl. I’ve sniffed it quite a few times, and I’m pretty sure it’s a girl.

The one last piece of bike related gear we might need is a car mounted bike rack. Boss Lady has realized that I rather enjoy a bike ride the first and even the second time we follow a particular road. However, after that, I find it very boring and refuse to go very fast. She is now considering traveling short distances to find new places for us to bike. In order to bring the bike with us, she needs a bike rack on the car. As spacious as Jasmine is, there just isn’t room for all three of us at the same time.

Oh, and the Boss Lady belatedly realizes she might be forced to acquire a helmet. She is not particularly excited about this, but she is trying to convince herself it is best for her safety.

Run, Puppers, Run

This evening was only our third biking adventure and Boss Lady is already upping the ante. And she’s not following the rules. Generally, when you are perfecting a behavior you increase expectations for only one aspect of the behavior at a time: duration, speed, accuracy, etc. Boss Lady knows this rule, she’s just ignoring it. Tonite she increased both speed and distance. We biked twice as far, and we biked quite a bit faster. Neither of which further endeared me to biking.

Let me explain a few of my complaints against biking. 1. There is no sniffing involved. Even when we’re walking, despite the fact that I’m not allowed to lolly-gag, I have plenty of opportunities to sniff. Not while biking, though. While biking I am running (or trotting, as is more often the case) and it is quite difficult to sniff while running. 2. There is no peeing involved. I’ve been living in this town for several years now, and I’ve been traversing it’s streets and sidewalks for just as long. I’ve gotten to know lots of the other local pups through pee-mail. We leave messages for each other on strategic objects. While Boss Lady only allows extended pee-mails in a few places, I am certainly able to leave short messages in many, many places while we’re walking. When biking neither long nor short messages are possible. Let me put this succintly: I need to pee on things to make sure other dogs don’t forget I exist. 3. I cannot look at other dogs. Boss Lady doesn’t allow it. No, sir, she said, don’t be looking at other dogs while we’re biking. In fact, she continued, don’t even think about looking at other dogs. And that Boss Lady, she knows when you’re thinking about looking at another dog. Trust me, you don’t want her to have to tell you to stop thinking about another dog. It’s not fun. 4. It involves a bike. As I’ve already stated, I don’t like bikes. Nothing involving a bike is enjoyable.

Now that I’ve made transparent my feelings regarding biking, I’ll give a short recap of our latest biking adventure. As mentioned above, we biked further than on our two previous occasions. Boss Lady thinks maybe we covered approximately 1.5 miles. That’s not counting the very short walk to and from our biking area. That’s about twice as far as our previous attempts. Faster. Yes, we went faster. Boss Lady maintained at least trotting pace the whole time, with the obvious exceptions of when we were practicing stopping. She even had me up to cantering pace a couple times. Not that she’s exactly sure what a cantering pace is. That Boss Lady, she’s no horseman (and no need to be playing games of semantics over horseman vs horsewoman). She’s been on the back of a horse a total of maybe 20 times in her whole life. She barely knows the head from the tail. Regardless of whether you can call our pace a canter, though, she ran me hard. So hard she ran the poo right out of me, as she so inelegantly put it.

Anyway, she intends to try harder next time to discover just how fast we can go. Me, I intend to make a stronger effort at biting the bike’s tires next time.

Stop that Bike! It's Kidnapping Boss Lady!

I don’t like bikes. Never have. When we’re hiking at Pine Hill Park and a bike comes up behind us suddenly, Boss Lady has to get me off the trail and into a down immediately. If she doesn’t, I bark and even lunge at the bike. She figures that I get startled by how quickly they appear and/or I want to chase them because they’re moving quickly. Honestly, I just don’t like bikes. So, when I heard Boss Lady puttering around outside this morning, and I looked out the window to discover her being kidnapped by a bike, I quickly sounded the alarm. Had she called for my help or seemed a little less in control of the situation, I would have gone right through the window to save her. I wasn’t about to let some evil bike steal her away. Who knows what it would do to her.

Recognizing how distraught I was, Boss Lady came in the house and explained things to me. A bike, she said, is just like a car. It lets you go places quickly and takes you on grand adventures. It doesn’t look like a car to me. Well, it is, she assured me. And then she brought me outside to meet the bike. I didn’t want to go too near it, never can tell what sort of behavior it might exhibit. I was more than a little worried when it started to kidnap her again, but at least I was right there to protect her. She told me she was going to let it kidnap her, and I was supposed to run along beside her. I have to tell you, I wasn’t so sure of her plan, but I could tell I wasn’t going to talk her out of it.

Off we went, down to the flat swamp road below our house. She said it was an ideal place to practice our plan because it was flat, little traveled, and is very grassy along the side. Apparently the grass is for my benefit. I had a little trouble figuring out exactly what my job was. It seemed much too simple that I was only supposed to run along side. Surely I was supposed to bite the tires every few minutes to remind the bike not to try anything funny. And, surely, I was supposed to get in front of the bike to tell it to stop when we needed to stop. No. Boss Lady told me very clearly that I was not supposed to do either of those things. I was only supposed to run along side the bike. Once I figured that out, things went fairly smoothly. I trotted right along and even got up to a real run. It was much harder than I expected. Takes a lot of energy out of a dog trying to keep up with a bike. Fortunately, we didn’t go very far. Probably not even a mile. Then we went home, and Boss Lady put away the bike.

I am informed that we will be regularly practicing this whole biking thing until I am quite comfortable with it. At which point, Boss Lady plans to employ it as an effective exercise method for me. All I have to say is that bike better behave itself, or I’ll tear it apart. I won’t allow it to kidnap my Boss Lady