30 September 2008

I Told You

Remember Julianna from last week?

Remember how I told you it looked like she was plotting something?

Well, she was. She was plotting to steal from me. The little thief. This morning Boss Lady woke up at a reasonable hour. It was cloudy, but it wasn’t raining. She checked the weather channel and discovered it would probably be cloudy all day (it wasn’t) but it wouldn’t rain (it didn’t.) Good news, this was, as it meant we could go forward with our adventure plans. Boss Lady got dressed in hiking clothes (re: grungy jeans and an old t-shirt). She filled her water bottle. She gathered my harness and my leash and my rope. And she drove away without me.

Julianna stole My Boss Lady, My car, My leash, My rope, My harness, My hike, and My chipmunk. That’s right, during their hike a foolish chipmunk ran across the trail in front of Julianna and she had the opportunity to pounce on it. She didn’t kill it, but she got to pounce it. That should have been My chipmunk and My pounce.

Somebody better take her home soon, because I do not take kindly to her stealing all my stuff. Here, let me remind you how cute she is.

27 September 2008

Chocolate: Not Just For Dessert

The Boss Lady decided to make a birthday cake for one of the women at work. She baked a nice chocolate, giant cupcake shaped cake last night (during the debate). She carefully put it on a plate, covered it with handiwrap and put it in the microwave so I wouldn’t eat it. She planned to frost it this morning, and then have plenty of time to take me for a mini-adventure before going to work.

Then Boss Lady’s Sister came home in the middle of the night. Boss Lady’s Sister was hungry, so she popped some food into the microwave. Of course, she had to take the cake out first. And she never put the cake back in the microwave.

Guess who had chocolate cake for breakfast this morning.

For the record, I only ate half of it. It was really good, but I was just too full to eat the rest. When Boss Lady got up this morning and discovered what I had done, she was really steamed. I mean steamed. I could see the smoke pouring out of her ears. Smoke rarely pours out of her ears. She refused to give me any breakfast, and she canceled our mini-adventure. Instead of going for a hike or a bike, she baked a new cake and managed to finish it just in time to go to work. All I got was a short walk around the block and a lot of dirty looks. Note to self: chocolate cake for breakfast might not be the best idea.

25 September 2008

Equal Opportunity Insults

As she does every morning, Boss Lady’s Mother called Tyrone inside for breakfast and put down his plate of wet catfood. As I do every morning, I took up sentry duty mere inches from Tyrone. Being the skittish cat that he is, Tyrone hates this. And, being the softy she is, Boss Lady’s Mother made me move away. Of course, she then rattled all the pots and pans in the cupboard directly adjacent to Tyrone’s breakfast nook. Tyrone responded by attempting to launch himself through the front door: nevermind breakfast, he wanted out of this scary place. He’s probably lucky he doesn’t have a concussion considering how hard he hit the door. I interpreted this as a sign Tyrone was finished eating and took it upon myself to clean up anything he left. Boss Lady shooed me away, Boss Lady’s Mother calmed Tyrone, and Tyrone returned to eating.

When his plate was clean of wet food, he immediately commenced begging for a 2nd ration. Boss Lady accused him of being a fat pig and refused to enable his unhealthy eating habits. Boss Lady’s Mother, once again the softy, relented and gave him some dry food. I came over to offer to eat the food instead-thus preventing further weight gain by the cat, but they both shooed me away.

When Tyrone finally finished and made his exit, I wandered over to clean up any crumbs he left. He usually leaves quite a few, and I was busy nosing the plate across the floor when Boss Lady walked by. “You Pig!” She exclaimed. “You had your breakfast. You may not be fat, but you’re just as much a pig as the cat.”

At least I’m not fat.

24 September 2008

Some Dogs Are Obsessed With Tennis Balls

It’s true. Some dogs are obsessed with Tennis Balls. They want to chase tennis balls 24 hours a day. If a tennis ball makes an appearance, those dogs are totally focused on the tennis ball to the exclusion of all other things. I’m not one of those dogs. Nor is the Boss Lady. But, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have any obsessions. She does. Aside from chocolate and books and writing about every little sneeze I make. Boss Lady is obsessed with television. Colyn, I rarely watch television. Do you even know what an obsession is? Ok, so maybe she’s not obsessed with television in general, but she is obsessed with one particular television show. And season six of that show just started.

In our house, the one television we have is located in the living room. On Sunday, Boss Lady’s Mother removed everything from the living room and painted the floor. This is what the living room will look like for about a week until Boss Lady’s Mother puts all the furniture back.

On Monday, the new season of Boss Lady’s television show started. Hmmmm. How to watch the television when it’s not in the living room? Put the television in the front hall, where the shoes usually live. So, Monday night Boss Lady, Boss Lady’s Mother, and Boss Lady’s Father (who is not actually obsessed with this television show, but does sometimes deign to watch) positioned themselves in the little front hall in front of the television for 2 hours.

They did this again Tuesday night for part two of episode one of season six of her favorite television show. Does this look like an obsession to you? It does to me.

Here’s the most important question: what’s missing from that picture? There are three chairs. There’s a television. There’s not a whole lot of space. And there’s no dog. I was locked in the kitchen because my toenails would mar the floor. Nevermind that I like to watch ballroom dancing, too. Nevermind that I hate being isolated from my Boss Lady during television watching. Nevermind that there was plenty of room for a dog; I could have squeezed in that little space between the tv and the wall. Nope. I was locked in the kitchen. I think it a very unhealthy obsession, one that separates a dog from his Boss Lady. Anybody want to help with an intervention?

23 September 2008

RCHS Update

The RCHS Updates used to be a regular part of my blog, back when it was on Dogster. My lack of updates should not be assumed to mean that Boss Lady no longer volunteers at RCHS; she does. Unfortunately, the wet, mosquitoey summer meant that she didn’t volunteer as often. And when she did volunteer she didn’t take dogs for hikes. She didn’t even do anything fun at all. Mostly, she scrubbed doggy swimming pools and scooped poo in the outdoor exercise pens. Once in awhile she attempted a short walk through the path in the woods behind RCHS. While the updates were on hiatus, she met lots of fun dogs. There was Dojo.

And Spot.

She took Spot to the Wallingford Dog Days event, and tortured him.

And lots of others that she never got pictures of.

Today, though, the updates resume. The cool weather has killed off most of the mosquitoes, making it safe to hike in Pittsford once again. Which means the resumption of weekly trips to RCHS to take one special dog for a nice long hike. This week’s lucky dog was Julianne. She was last week’s lucky dog, too. Boss Lady is managing to fall in love with the psycho little devil...erm, I mean, the gorgeous little girl. I guess she is kinda cute.

And she does have some fabulous ears. Boss Lady has a soft spot for ears.

Julianne is pure energy in the form of a smallish dog. She jumps. She runs. She leaps. She races. She pulls on the leash until your arm dislocates. She’s also shy and skittish. But, all of that pales in comparison to her sheer cuteness.

She happens to love water. She’s not so keen on actually swimming, but she does love to splash, or run back and forth in the shallows. She can even be convinced to fetch a log after some coaxing.

And it doesn’t matter how cute she is, I still think she’s an evil little dog. Can’t you just see her plotting some sort of devilry? Like convincing Boss Lady to bring her home.

On Sightings Of Moose

Boss Lady has a hard time letting go. She also has trust issues. I only have time to address these two issues today. We went back to Moosalamoo this afternoon. This time she carefully calculated how much time we had and decided to hike the Hogback Mountain Trail and maybe some side trails off of it. We headed out on the trail, and I politely asked her why I was on leash. After all, last time I did just fine off leash, so why shouldn’t I get to do it again.

Why can’t I run around off leash? Because you might run away. But, I won’t. But, you might. But, I won’t. But you might if you saw an interesting shadow. I won’t. But, you might if you flushed a bird. I won’t. But, we might come upon a moose. Have we ever come upon a moose? We might. Yes, but have we ever actually come upon a moose? We’ve seen moose prints and moose warning signs. Have. we. ever. actually. seen. a. moose? There was that one time when you were puppy and were hiking in Shrew(woohoo)sbury with the ex-boyfriend. That hardly counts, we were still in the car. Still, something bad might happen if I let you off the leash. You might run away. I won’t. But, what if you do? I won’t. But, what if you do? You have a very poor recall, you know. I won’t run away. But, what if you do? *sigh* Then I’ll come back after a couple minutes. AHA! I knew it! I knew I couldn’t trust you. No off leash hiking for you.

How is it that you trust me enough to put me in an off leash down stay in the kitchen while you have the front door wide open to bring in all the groceries, but you don’t trust me enough to let me off leash way out in the woods? I could run away from the down stay. But, you never do. I could. But, you don’t. I could see a cat and chase it. But, you don’t. I could see a dog walking by and run into the road and get hit. But, you don’t. I could just decide not to stay and race out the door. But, you never have, and you’re not going to. You have an excellent down stay. Your recall, on the other hand, is practically non-existent.

She did let me off leash for a little while. And then we came to part of the trail that is very close to the road, so she put me back on leash. She was going to let me off leash again after we were away from the road, but we ended up in the back yard of the Blueberry Hill Inn. She was going to let me off leash when we were far enough away from the Inn, but then we ended up in a beaver bog.

Boss Lady thought it was very disgusting. The water was orange and oily. There used to be a path across the bog, but most of the pallets had sunk into the bog or washed away. She had to tippy toe across the bog by walking along the mud wall. One wrong step and she’d’ve been knee deep in beaver bog water.

She did not enjoy it, but she made it. Of course, once we were completely across the boggy part, with dry feet no less, she decided we had to turn around and go back to get documentary images for this blog. She could have continued the hike with completely dry feet. Instead, she walked across the boggy section 3 times and ended up with damp feet. Not soaking wet, but not totally dry either.

She was going to let me off leash when we got across the beaver bog, but we found lots and lots of moose tracks. Some seemed pretty old. Some didn’t. Plus, there was this huge pile of moose droppings.

If you disregard the grass and the leaf, you’d almost think they were chocolate covered candies of some sort. I bet they taste just as good as chocolate covered candies, but Boss Lady wouldn’t let me try any. She’s such a stick in the mud.

Aside from the fact that I was tethered to Boss Lady most of the hike, I had an enjoyable time. We saw the beginnings of pretty foliage.

We found a nifty tree.

I tried to climb the tree.

We managed to not get lost, despite the fact that the Zach Osborne Trail was not marked as such on the map.

And despite the fact that this trail marker was less than helpful.

All in all, I’d say it was a good adventure. And, no, we didn’t see any moose.

21 September 2008

It Was My Idea

It all started simply enough. Boss Lady was hungry, but couldn’t decide what to eat. She opened the fridge, but all she found was an odd odour. She opened the freezer and only found ice cream and a big turkey breast. She opened the cupboard and found lots of crackers, but nothing substantial. She opened the fridge again, because something new might have appeared in the last 5 minutes. When the odour started bothering her, she grabbed the first thing that seemed likely to appease her hunger and shut the door. What had she grabbed? Crabapple jelly. Why? Because when all else fails eat PB&J. It’s always good. She grabbed the peanut butter and made her sandwich. When she was done there wasn’t enough left in the peanut butter jar to warrant putting it back in the cupboard. She started to throw it away when she had a sudden thought.

Not too long ago, you’ll recall, she allowed me to lick the crumbs out of the dog food bag. At the time, Boss Lady thought it would be something to give me an empty jar of peanut butter, except we didn’t have an empty jar at that time. Now, here she has an empty jar. Nothing to do but grab her camera and let me at it.

So, this is how it went. She told me to stay and put the jar on the floor in front of me.

Stay? I swear, I won’t move a muscle. If the reward is peanut butter, I won’t even breath until you say the word.

She said the word.

Note the nose smushing going on here.

MMMMMMM This is soooooo good.

Hold still peanut butter jar!

Serious contemplation regarding how to get my tongue to the bottom of the peanut butter jar.

Maybe if I turn my head this way.

Or maybe the other way.

Aha! Gotta come in from the side.

Peanut Butter High.

20 September 2008

Mixed Metaphors

I’m not sure what to call my adventure this morning. Maybe a run, hike, run. When Boss Lady was little Boss Lady’s Father worked with a fellow who was quite involved in the local foot and bike races. Lacking anything better to do, Boss Lady’s Father used to help out at said races. And Boss Lady used to tag along. She recalls lots of Run, Bike Runs. So, I guess my adventure was a run, hike, run.

I was none to clear what the adventure would be when we got started. Boss Lady collected my harness, rope leash, and back pack. That indicates a hike. She also packed a water bottle and my rope leash in the back pack. That indicates a probably local hike, because we’ll walk to the hiking trail. This could be a hike to the boardwalk, or out at the Rugby field. You’ll note she only packed water for herself. That indicates where ever we’re hiking is wet and I’ll be able to find plenty of water for myself. This rules out either the boardwalk or the Rugby field because neither have large quantities of drinkable water. It could mean swimming at Sabotka’s, but the weather really isn’t that warm. Just when I was thoroughly confused, Boss Lady grabbed my prong collar and short leash, which indicate either a bike ride or regular walk. Paired with the backpack, it must mean some sort of new bike riding adventure.

It was, indeed a bike ride. We went the long way around town and then out to Sabotka’s. And there was a lot more traffic than Boss Lady expected. Fortunately, we did just fine navigating it all. Only a couple people gave us dirty looks for being “in the way.”

Boss Lady’s reason for visiting Sabotka’s was the new hiking trail: The Town Farm Trail. There is a ribbon cutting ceremony tomorrow, but I obviously can’t go to that. And Boss Lady really wanted to investigate the new trail. She was worried it would just be a gravel path around the big field near the river. She didn’t expect to be impressed. She thought maybe it would be a nice place for those quick hikes when we don’t have much time. So, she was most surprised to find an actual hiking trail. Through the woods, up a hill, through muddy flats, with lots of tree roots to trip over. We ran out of time to fully explore the trail, but Boss Lady says she’ll go to the ribbon cutting ceremony tomorrow, take the “tour” of the trail, and then take me another day.

Oh, and despite the note in the local paper, the trail is not bike friendly. Not at all. Boss Lady does not say this because of the tree roots. Or the steep hill. Or even the narrow planks across the muddy parts. It’s because to reach the trail head you must cross a steel bridge. There are 4 steps up to the bridge and 4 steps down off the bridge. Bikes and stairs don’t mix well. Of course, I suppose you could always ride through the 4 inch deep stream that the bridge crosses. But, Boss Lady doesn’t think that sounds like much fun. It’s ok, though. She’ll just have to invest in a bike chain/lock so we can bike down to the trail and then hike.

A totally unrelated side note: the first person who guesses the meaning of today’s title will receive an as yet undetermined prize. Just post your guess in a comment.

I Dub Thee

Feeshy Feeshy Feeshy's official name is Fred. With apologies to the Real Fred. It's just such a good name. You may address any mail to Fred Fish. Not that I expect him to get any mail. I hardly ever get any mail, so Fred definitely shouldn't be.

19 September 2008

17 September 2008

Everyone Please Remain Calm

There’s no need to panic. That’s what I told her. So, what did she do? Panic, of course. Yesterday afternoon, Boss Lady and I returned to Moosalamoo to attempt a different hiking trail. We planned to hike up the Halfdan Kuhnle trail and then come back down the lower section of Sucker Brook trail. Originally, Boss Lady wanted to hike the loop that is Sucker Brook trail, but we couldn’t figure out how to reach that trail head.

The first mile of the trail was a steep uphill climb. Boss Lady expected this, because she’s skilled enough at reading topo maps to know that the closer together the elevation lines (or whatever they’re called) the steeper the hill. Still, she didn’t expect the trail to be *that* steep. We persevered, though, and successfully summitted. I’ve even got proof. See? Cindy’s Summit. Nothing there but a sign, but I’ve got proof nonetheless.

This time note the stick Boss Lady stuck behind the sign so that I would be encouraged to climb the tree. She really does her best to embarrass me.

So, we reached Cindy’s Summit (which wasn’t on the map, but we were able to wager a guess as to where it would be on the map) in pretty good time. Boss Lady anticipated another mile and half before we reached our half way point. We hiked along at a gentle pace. We lollygagged to snap photos. We bushwacked to get the best picture taking angle of a nifty stream.

Boss Lady tried to drown me in said stream.

Let me show you that again in slow motion. This is my head.

This is the waterfall

Yes, I have great confidence that she loves me.

So, round about 4:45 she checks her watch and realizes we’ve been hiking for almost 1.5 hours and we haven’t reached our halfway point. This is a bad sign. She consults the map and realizes we haven’t even reached our first trail intersection, which is about half a mile before the half way point. This is really bad. She’s not entirely sure where we are on the map at this point. It could be as far as another mile before we reach the halfway point. That’s another hour of hiking. That puts us at 2.5 hours of hiking at the half way point. Which indicates about 2.5 hours of hiking out. That puts us exiting the woods at 7:15pm. It’s dark at 7:30 these days. We know from experience that it gets dark much earlier in the woods. Boss Lady didn’t bring a flashlight, or matches, or lighter. Boss Lady is not good at hiking an unfamiliar, rough, rocky trail in the dark or even semi-dark. Boss Lady begins to panic.

Boss Lady’s first determination is that we must begin hiking much faster. No more lollygagging. No more picture snapping, or stick fetching, or investigating of nifty moss covered rocks. No more chasing down flushed fowl. Off we go. Boss Lady continuously reconsiders all her calculations, trying desperately to figure out how she miscalculated so badly. Every 5 minutes she pulls out the map, wildly guessing at where we might be on the trail at that very moment, and then quickly running time and mileage calculations to see when we’ll be out of the woods (literally and figuratively.) She even grabs a long piece of grass to use to actually measure the trail on the map to really confirm the mileage. She cannot find any problems with her initial mileage calculations.

With each look at the map, Boss Lady’s panic was increasing significantly. We were walking the flats at that point, and she was panting heavily. Her temper was short. She was muttering and mumbling and doing a very good impersonation of the mentally ill. Suddenly, she loudly says my name and starts telling me how I need to calm down and not panic. There’s really no need to panic. As luck would have it, our trail goes down the west side of the mountain, which means we’ll have as much light as possible from the setting sun. We are familiar with the last half mile or so of the trail. And, the very last half mile back to the car isn’t even in the woods. We’ll be walking up the access road at that point which means better light conditions, and no worry of losing the trail. There’s absolutely no reason to panic, so stop panicking.

Just a couple moments later, we turn a bend and discover another trail coming in from our right. Boss Lady is ecstatic! This is the first intersection she’s been looking for. It means for sure that our half way point is only a half mile away. We weren’t nearly as far off, time wise, as Boss Lady had worried. She frantically looked around for the sign post announcing this intersection. She didn’t need it to tell her which way to go, but really wanted some proof. She couldn’t find any sign post. She considered this very odd, because all the other marked intersections on the map were properly marked on the trail and there had been no other unmarked intersections. So, for this intersection to be unmarked was suspicious. Boss Lady concluded that it was one of the few mistakes and figured sometimes it just happens. Maybe the sign got knocked down or something. We continued on, still at a good pace, but with much less panicking on Boss Lady’s part. What seemed like a half mile later we did, indeed, encounter another trail intersection. Boss Lady assumed it was our half way point intersection. Until she looked at the sign, and saw that it was, in fact, the intersection she thought we had passed a half mile ago.

Red lights flashed in her head. Panic buttons sounded. Boss Lady all but sat down to cry. We were farther behind than she thought. Frantic calculations ensued. Considering all the rest of the trail was flat or downhill, it wouldn’t take as long to hike out as it did to hike in. We’d been hiking faster for the past mile, and would for the rest of the trip out, so that would cut our time further. We also had refrained from all lollygagging and playing, which accounted for probably almost a half hour of the time in. If everything went perfect, we’d be out of the woods just before it got really dark. We continued on.

Up until that point, I had been off leash. Boss Lady felt that the area was remote enough that it was safe for me to run off leash. At this intersection, though, Boss Lady put me on leash. Our halfway point was actually a trail head. And trail heads mean access roads, parking lots, and potential people. She didn’t actually expect to see people, but she didn’t want to take any chances.

What felt like a half mile later, we encountered our half way point trail head, which was unmarked. She was pretty sure which way to go, but there was an extra trail that wasn’t marked on the map. She finally noticed a sign a little way down what she knew was the wrong trail. We went to check. Sure enough, we were in the right place and we had been going to right direction. There was simply an extra trail than the map showed. Boss Lady wasn’t going to worry about that at that point. She was just glad to know we’d reached the half way point and would be turning back. As soon as we turned the corner, she began looking for our next trail intersection. This was a key intersection as taking the correct trail would mean the difference of adding another half mile to our trek. At this late hour, any added hiking would be a major problem.

We encountered an intersection, but the signs did not match Boss Lady’s map. The signs also did not clearly indicate a nearly invisible trail which was the trail we actually needed to take. After several moments of extreme panic, we headed in the correct direction. The previous trails had all been fairly clear and looked traveled. This trail was very overgrown, poorly marked, and looked rarely used. Boss Lady returned to her impersonation of the mentally ill. She started to let me off leash again, but then reconsidered. We had reached the hour of deer watching. That is the point in the evening when deer tend to do their evening feeding. And if deer feed at that hour, what other wild animals might. Boss Lady was envisioning an encounter with a moose (it is called Moosalamoo, after all) or a bear (remember all those blueberries) or any number of other dangerous wild critters. I fed this fear by constantly trying to run off the trail through the woods after an otherwise invisible something. Boss Lady was much relieved that she had kept me on leash, as she just knew if I’d been off leash I’d’ve been gone.

Realizing that panic was really detrimental to our progress, Boss Lady did her best to calm me. She verbally went through all her time and mileage calculations again. She pointed out that thus far the map had been correct and she could feel confident basing her calculations on what it showed. She continued to feel confident that we would exit the woods while it was still daylight. Surely, we wouldn’t encounter any bears or moose or anything. To be sure, she randomly and regularly clapped her hands loudly and whistled. I looked at her blankly. The woman really is nuts.

The rest of the hike really went rather smoothly. All expected trail intersections were clearly marked. No unexpected trail intersections appeared. We reached the end of the trail while it was still light. And the only miscalculation Boss Lady had done was to think our hike up the road to the car was longer than it actually was. When the car came into view through the trees, Boss Lady told me she would do a happy dance when we got there. She didn’t do a happy dance, though, because when we did reach the car, we discovered a couple had set up a tent in the middle of the grassy space where Boss Lady had parked. We felt rather like we’d walked into someone’s bedroom unannounced. The important thing, though was that we had successfully reached the car before dark. Boss Lady did miss her meeting, though. That probably pissed her off them most. She really wanted to go to that meeting.

Boss Lady consulted the map once again when we arrived home. She measured the distance one more time and concluded our hike was about 4.5-5 miles. It took us nearly 4 hours to hike it. So much for our 30 minute mile. I don’t think I can handle this sort of thing again. Seriously, would somebody please volunteer to be Boss Lady’s two-legged hiking partner and take the pressure off me? I’m just a dog, I’m not cut out for this. The abilities to read a topo map and use a compass would be a definite bonus.

10 September 2008

In Her Old Age

About a month ago, Boss Lady celebrated another birthday. I might have mentioned it. She’s 27 now. I might not have mentioned that. I don’t know if that added year is what made the difference, but Boss Lady seems to be getting braver in her old age. Either that or she’s not paying attention. Lately, Boss Lady has been experimenting with off leash behavior in the yard. She puts on my leash, takes me out the door, wanders me around the yard, and somewhere along the way she nonchalantly drops the leash and just uses voice commands. So, far, I’ve done excellently. No chasing of cats or kids or bikes. No making her think I was going to run off. No refusing to come back in the house. No problems at all. But, don’t think I don’t know what’s going on. I’m just biding my time, putting her at ease and waiting until she isn’t paying attention. Then I’ll make my move. And that obnoxious squirrel that sits on the bird feeder laughing at me will be the first to know about my new freedom.

09 September 2008

Revenge Is Sweet


I Get My Due

So much for grand adventures today. The thunderstorm with pouring rain awoke the Boss Lady round about 7:30 this morning. She managed to pull her semi-conscious self out of bed to close all the windows, and then she collapsed back into sweet dreams. She did not again drag herself out of bed until nearly 10:00am. It was still pouring rain. We don’t have grand adventures in the rain. We don’t even have mini-adventures in the rain. So much for her plans for day-off grand adventuring.

Boss Lady put the rainy day to good work doing dishes, trying (and failing) to set up internet on the desktop PC, and baking chocolate filled dinner rolls. Round about noon, when there was a lessening in the rain, Boss Lady decided it was time for me to go out. She snapped on my leash and dragged me out the door. I gingerly stepped onto the grass and piddled. Boss Lady looked at me and suggested I Business (poo). I told her I didn’t need to. She didn’t believe me, but also took note that I was not giving any of my normal need-to-poo-but-don’t-want-to-do-it-in-the-rain signals. She realized that perhaps I really didn’t need to go, considering that I did get my breakfast a little bit late.

Late? LATE?! How about never! I did not get any breakfast this morning. None. Breakfast is served in the morning. Boss Lady wasted the entire morning sleeping. Did she think about me? No. Did she consider my starving, grumbling stomach? No. Did it occur to her that my contract requires breakfast at a regularly scheduled time? Definitely not.

*Boss Lady* “Hey! I fed you. Don’t go telling nasty lies about me withholding your rations.”

Ok, so I received an early lunch. It wasn’t breakfast, that’s for sure.

*Boss Lady* “Just don’t forget to mention that you don’t normally get any lunch at all.”

Yes, well, I’ll let my loyal readers decide what to think about you. Back to the story at hand. We were outside, I did not need to business, so we returned inside.

A little while later I stunk up the kitchen. My odour overpowered the wonderful smells of baking bread and baking chocolate. Boss Lady looked at me and decided we needed to go out again. She snapped on my leash and dragged me out the door again. I tiptoed onto a corner of the grass and piddled. She dragged me over under the big maple tree and instructed me to business. I explained that I didn’t feel the need. Boss Lady replied, “Try anyway.” I don’t know why she seems to think she knows everything about my bodily functions, but I informed her I wasn’t going to business. To which she said,

“Fine. Just remember that I don’t have to go anywhere today. I don’t have to go to work. I don’t have to transport kittens. I don’t have to run errands. I can stand here waiting for you to business all day. And the rain? Doesn’t bother me at all. It’s actually the perfect temperature for playing in the rain. Besides, if I get soaked, I can go inside and change. So, either you can business quickly and we’ll go back inside before you get too wet, or we can stand here all day. It’s your choice, but if you really want to stay dry, you’d better choose the first option.”

That little speech sounded awfully familiar to me. I scrinched my eyes tightly shut against the rain and thought about it. Then I remembered our little discussion regarding cream cheese bagels the other morning. I remembered that Boss Lady ended up giving me half her bagel that morning. As I stood there fondly recalling the gourmet flavor of that cream cheese, a particularly large rain drop landed right in my ear. I wandered a couple feet over, nonchalantly sniffed the grass, and businessed. After all, there wasn’t any sense in standing in the rain all day when there were yummy chocolate filled dinner rolls to beg for.

07 September 2008

Biting Off More Than I Can Chew

I have to air my appreciation for Boss Lady’s corporate employer. Normally, as a show of loyalty to Boss Lady, I am very much against said employer. But, Thursday evening the floors where Boss Lady works were thoroughly stripped, cleaned, waxed, and buffed. When Boss Lady arrived at work Friday morning, she was immediately struck ill by the chemical stench leftover from the cleaning. She made an honest effort to stick it out, but the stench did not dissipate and her illness only became worse. After a few hours, Boss Lady gave up and came home early. Much to my excitement, it only took about an hour of fresh air and rest to clear Boss Lady’s illness. And we were left with an entire beautiful, sunny, warm afternoon to play! Woohoo!

Due to the heat, Boss Lady vetoed any hiking or biking. She did, however, agree that swimming was an acceptable activity for the heat. Even moreso because school is back in session and there was little worry our swimming hole would be already claimed by any rotten little kids. Off we went with my harness and rope and a fun toy.

So, let me talk about this fun toy. It’s called a Jolly Ball. It must be named for the entertainment of the handler rather than the dog, because this thing is far from jolly. It’s a big, thick rubber ball on a big fat rope. If floats, although it does take on water after awhile. It is also unpoppable, because it isn’t inflated. It’s kinda fun as just a tug toy, but once it’s in the water, it is horrible. Why? Because it is impossible to grab. Boss Lady tossed it out into the middle of the swimming hole and after it I went. When I reached it, I tried to grab the ball in my mouth. It bobbed under the water, avoided my teeth, and popped back up a few inches away. I tried again, with more force. The ball bobbed under the water, avoided my teeth, and popped up about a foot away. I swam in circles repeatedly jabbing the ball with my nose only to have it bob under and away. Finally, I managed to accidentally catch the rope and was able to fetch the blasted toy. After all that work, I was smart enough to not return the toy to Boss Lady, knowing as I did that she would only toss it out there again for another round. Unfortunately, she managed to catch me and snag Jolly Ball away, only to do just as I feared. I swam out after it, and went through the jabbing and bobbing routine until I finally captured the toy. We went through this routine several times until I made it a point to drop Jolly Ball in the strongest part of the current in the hopes that it would be swept away. No such luck, Boss Lady is quicker in the water than she looks. Fortunately, she took the hint and put away the Jolly Ball.

With the Jolly Ball retired, we proceeded to more traditional swimming hole activities, namely rock skipping and plain old swimming. Then I decided I really wanted to venture up stream and investigate things. Boss Lady actually agreed. The river is much shallower than she thought, so we waded a little way up. Then I found a giant tree branch along the edge of the stream. I tried to grab onto it, but it was too big for my mouth. I dug, and scratched and chewed at it until I finally managed to break off a narrower section of branch. Then I carried it back down the stream, skirted the edge of the swimming hole, and dragged it over to Boss Lady’s previously dry clothes.

Then Boss Lady declared us sufficiently cooled and exercised and we went home. I’m kinda hoping Boss Lady’s employer decides to clean the floors again soon. Maybe if I go over and spread some dirt and mud it’ll happen sooner.

05 September 2008

Give Me One Good Reason

I know I mention Boss Lady’s sleeping habits rather often, her late sleeping habits even more often, but that’s simply because it is true. Even on the mornings when she has to go to work, Boss Lady is incapable of dragging herself out of bed early. If she needs to be to work by 8:00 am, she sets the alarm for 7:00 am. Notice that I didn’t say she gets up at 7:00 am, simply that she sets the alarm for that hour. She gets up a couple minutes later. Then she races to the shower, digs furiously through her 3 laundry baskets of clothes (in various stages of clean/dirty), hopes that she matches and all is suitably clean, and races downstairs. If I’m lucky, she feeds me before Feeshy Feeshy Feeshy (who has never received a more suitable name, by the way). When she’s done feeding us animals, she sees to feeding herself. Quite often she throws a bagel in the toaster before she feeds me and it is all toasted by the time I’m done. Convenient for her because then she’s not standing around wasting precious minutes waiting for it to toast. Convenient for me, because then I have the opportunity to beg for an after breakfast snack.

The other morning, Boss Lady was running particularly late, and with her schedule that can be as little as five minutes later than normal. Not only did she have to toast the bagel while she was feeding me, she had to eat it while she was taking me out. And, of course, because she had food, I was much more interested in begging for some bagel than in doing my business. After the 17th time she told me to piddle and I ignored her in favor of staring longingly at her breakfast she exasperatedly asked, “Do you seriously think I’m going to share my bagel with you? Well, I’m not. Why should I? Huh? Give me one good reason why I should share my breakfast with you, you greedy moose!” One reason? That’s all? She just wanted one reason. Well, I quickly offered up a whole brunch...erm, bunch.

Breakfast bagel sharing reason #1: because I want a bite of bagel with cream cheese. Really, I do. You might not know it, but I happen to loooooove bagels with cream cheese.

Breakfast bagel sharing reason #2: because I’m hungry. Seriously, I’m starving here. You said it the other day, I’m skin and bones. You’ve been trying to figure out how to fatten me up again. Well, here I am giving you a perfect chance.

Breakfast bagel sharing reason #3: because you don’t have time to eat the whole bagel. You’re running so late you’re telling me to hurry up with my business. You obviously don’t have time to eat that whole thing. And don’t even try to tell me you think you can drive and consume a messy bagel at the same time.

Breakfast bagel sharing reason #4: because you’re trying to lose weight again. Carbs for breakfast? Not helping with the weight loss. Trust me. You should be eating fruit for breakfast, let me handle the bagels.

Breakfast bagel sharing reason #5: because I always share my Bagel with you. Granted, it doesn’t have cream cheese, but still. You tell me to go get Bagel, and I go get it. You tell me to give it to you, and I toss it at you. Maybe not immediately, but I do.

Breakfast bagel sharing reason #6: because I don’t have to be to work on time. I don’t even have to go to work. So, it doesn’t matter to me how long we stand out here in the yard waiting for me to business. I’m also not annoyed by the mosquitoes. They might be breakfasting on every square centimeter of your exposed flesh, but they’re not bothering me in the least. Let me repeat, I can stand out here in the yard all day.

Breakfast bagel sharing reason #7: because I’m a good boy. Can’t you see me sitting here? This is a perfect sit, with the kind of attention you only dream of. I’ve heard you say you’d give your left arm for this kind of attention from me. All I’m asking for is a bite of bagel. (And why is it your left arm? Why not your right arm, which is the more important arm because that’s the arm you use the most? You’re saying I’m only worth the less important arm? If you’re going to start giving away body parts, you might as well give away the ones that are worth something. Next thing you’ll be offering up your appendix for my good behavior.)

Breakfast bagel sharing reason #8: because you love me. I know you do. You tell me all the time. Plus, you hug me, and scritch my ears, and leave slobbery noisy kisses all over my snout (which is really annoying, by the way). You insist on inspecting my feet after we go biking, and checking my ears after we go swimming. Besides, who else keeps a cookie jar full of popcorn just for the dog? (Hey, after the bagel, maybe you can give me a handful of popcorn.)

Breakfast bagel sharing reason #9: because I’m not going to piddle or business until that bagel is consumed. So, either you can inhale it, or you can give it to me. It’s your choice. If you want to get to work any where near on time, you’d better choose the latter option.