05 September 2008

Give Me One Good Reason

I know I mention Boss Lady’s sleeping habits rather often, her late sleeping habits even more often, but that’s simply because it is true. Even on the mornings when she has to go to work, Boss Lady is incapable of dragging herself out of bed early. If she needs to be to work by 8:00 am, she sets the alarm for 7:00 am. Notice that I didn’t say she gets up at 7:00 am, simply that she sets the alarm for that hour. She gets up a couple minutes later. Then she races to the shower, digs furiously through her 3 laundry baskets of clothes (in various stages of clean/dirty), hopes that she matches and all is suitably clean, and races downstairs. If I’m lucky, she feeds me before Feeshy Feeshy Feeshy (who has never received a more suitable name, by the way). When she’s done feeding us animals, she sees to feeding herself. Quite often she throws a bagel in the toaster before she feeds me and it is all toasted by the time I’m done. Convenient for her because then she’s not standing around wasting precious minutes waiting for it to toast. Convenient for me, because then I have the opportunity to beg for an after breakfast snack.

The other morning, Boss Lady was running particularly late, and with her schedule that can be as little as five minutes later than normal. Not only did she have to toast the bagel while she was feeding me, she had to eat it while she was taking me out. And, of course, because she had food, I was much more interested in begging for some bagel than in doing my business. After the 17th time she told me to piddle and I ignored her in favor of staring longingly at her breakfast she exasperatedly asked, “Do you seriously think I’m going to share my bagel with you? Well, I’m not. Why should I? Huh? Give me one good reason why I should share my breakfast with you, you greedy moose!” One reason? That’s all? She just wanted one reason. Well, I quickly offered up a whole brunch...erm, bunch.

Breakfast bagel sharing reason #1: because I want a bite of bagel with cream cheese. Really, I do. You might not know it, but I happen to loooooove bagels with cream cheese.

Breakfast bagel sharing reason #2: because I’m hungry. Seriously, I’m starving here. You said it the other day, I’m skin and bones. You’ve been trying to figure out how to fatten me up again. Well, here I am giving you a perfect chance.

Breakfast bagel sharing reason #3: because you don’t have time to eat the whole bagel. You’re running so late you’re telling me to hurry up with my business. You obviously don’t have time to eat that whole thing. And don’t even try to tell me you think you can drive and consume a messy bagel at the same time.

Breakfast bagel sharing reason #4: because you’re trying to lose weight again. Carbs for breakfast? Not helping with the weight loss. Trust me. You should be eating fruit for breakfast, let me handle the bagels.

Breakfast bagel sharing reason #5: because I always share my Bagel with you. Granted, it doesn’t have cream cheese, but still. You tell me to go get Bagel, and I go get it. You tell me to give it to you, and I toss it at you. Maybe not immediately, but I do.

Breakfast bagel sharing reason #6: because I don’t have to be to work on time. I don’t even have to go to work. So, it doesn’t matter to me how long we stand out here in the yard waiting for me to business. I’m also not annoyed by the mosquitoes. They might be breakfasting on every square centimeter of your exposed flesh, but they’re not bothering me in the least. Let me repeat, I can stand out here in the yard all day.

Breakfast bagel sharing reason #7: because I’m a good boy. Can’t you see me sitting here? This is a perfect sit, with the kind of attention you only dream of. I’ve heard you say you’d give your left arm for this kind of attention from me. All I’m asking for is a bite of bagel. (And why is it your left arm? Why not your right arm, which is the more important arm because that’s the arm you use the most? You’re saying I’m only worth the less important arm? If you’re going to start giving away body parts, you might as well give away the ones that are worth something. Next thing you’ll be offering up your appendix for my good behavior.)

Breakfast bagel sharing reason #8: because you love me. I know you do. You tell me all the time. Plus, you hug me, and scritch my ears, and leave slobbery noisy kisses all over my snout (which is really annoying, by the way). You insist on inspecting my feet after we go biking, and checking my ears after we go swimming. Besides, who else keeps a cookie jar full of popcorn just for the dog? (Hey, after the bagel, maybe you can give me a handful of popcorn.)

Breakfast bagel sharing reason #9: because I’m not going to piddle or business until that bagel is consumed. So, either you can inhale it, or you can give it to me. It’s your choice. If you want to get to work any where near on time, you’d better choose the latter option.

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