03 October 2008

Fall In Vermont

It is now fall in Vermont. That time of year when the weather returns to comfortable temps, the trees dress up in their gaudiest clothes, and tourist season begins (we recommend a 12 gauge or a 50mm.) That time of year when the days get shorter, you harvest the last of the veggies from the garden, and everybody pulls the winter clothes out of the attic. The time of year when the cluster flies invade your home. They crawl through every crack, fly through any opening, and even hitch rides on the family pet. They’re gross. They’re obnoxious. And they multiply like rabbits.

The flies have been particularly bad at Boss Lady’s place of employment lately. They hover and attack in droves while she’s eating lunch. They buzz and annoy while she completes paperwork in the office. They drive her very near the edge of sanity. Boss Lady finally declared war on the flies, and she promised no quarter. Sarah Palin may shoot wolves from low flying planes for sport, but Boss Lady hunts flies with electrified tennis rackets for fun.

Several years ago Boss Lady’s Father received this weapon as a gag gift. It looks like a small, short handled tennis racket with wire strings. It is powered by several batteries and when turned on, the metal strings are electrified. It is the perfect tool for hunting flies. No need to wait for the fly to land on a hard, flat surface. no need to stealthily sneak up and quickly strike. Just gently swing your electrified tennis racket through the air and touch the fly. Then watch it fry, complete with audible snapping noise and visible spark. Oh, it’s grand fun.

Now, some people may allow as to how such a weapon takes away from the time honored sport of fly hunting, but Boss Lady is of the opinion that it simply provides more opportunities to perfect one’s technique. You can use the gentle, swooping swing. Or a high powered smack. You can come from above or below. You can even circle your prey before sadistically dispatching it. Perhaps it should be an Olympic Sport, judged on the creativity of your swing.

Boss Lady has had intentions of bringing this fine fly hunting weapon to work, but she continually forgot it. Today when she sat down for lunch and was immediately dive buzzed by three flies, she said enough is enough. She rolled up several pieces of paper and commenced to swatting the old fashioned way. She began with wild swings and lunges, which only served to make the flies laugh and tease her. She quickly settled into a hunting crouch, though. She focused on one fly at a time, and watched it zoom the room. She didn’t let herself lose track even when it flew against a dark object. She waited for it to land, snuck up on it, made sure she was within inches and struck. Pretty soon she’d killed her three attackers. They were immediately replaced by four more. In dismay, she continued her pursuit. For each fly she killed, it seemed two more appeared. In frustration she baseball batted two right out of the air. She mortally wounded several others, and then crushed them under foot. In all, Boss Lady bagged eight of the little buzzing bastards, and was able to enjoy her lunch in peace for the first time all week.

Ah, yes, fall in Vermont. What a wonderful time of year.

4 comments:

Private Monkey Spanker said...

Thank you for the laugh! I can picture the electrified tennis racket flyswatter! Hilarious!

Mutt Gal said...

I should send you Char for a week. She is FANATIC about chasing bugs. Like, totally, completely obsessed. She will even drop the ball in pursuit of a bug.
Anyway, good luck! Bleh!

Stargirl said...

I'll send Josie too. She has run into the door chasing flying pests. Between her and Char, you should be bug free in just a few days. And I'm talking about the entire state of Vermont.

Cavewoman said...

I'll be expecting both Char and Josie in a couple days. I'll return them just as soon as all the flies are dead.