27 November 2008

I Think You've Got Your Story Confused

Boss Lady didn't have to work on Tuesday, and I desperately needed an adventure. She promised me a lengthy adventure. And then she reneged. She says it was because of the rain. Had it been snowing, we would have gone hiking. But with rain, we couldn't. She seems to think 40* is too cold for hiking in the rain. She told me we could both catch pneumonia and die. I suppose I agree with her, but I still would have liked an adventure.

So today, which was only about 40*, when she decided to get me soaking wet with a bath, I was a little bit confused. What happened to the "it's too cold for the dog to get wet" business? You won't let me play in the water. You don't take me adventuring in the rain. But, you throw me in the tub and force me to endure a bath? What are you going to do when I catch pneumonia? Huh? You're going to feel soooo guilty. I could even die. Yeah, how about that. You gave me a bath in this cold, cold weather, and now I'm going to catch pneumonia and die. That'll teach you to give me a bath when I don't want one.

And another thing, I may have missed that whole puppy kindergarten thing, but don't think I don't know what a "bad touch" is. And that, missy, is a bad touch. Bad, bad, touch. No. No no no no no. Soap does not belong there! Stop scrubbing. Definitely no scrubbing! I am going to glare daggers at your back until you release me from this controlled drowning. No amount of popcorn and cheerful "good boy"'s will appease me.

When the whole thing was finally over, and she'd released me to rub my face all over the kitchen cabinets, I asked her what possessed her to give me a bath today. I haven't had a bath since early summer. She replied that it's the holiday season, and lots of company will be coming to visit, and I was getting rather stinky. She thought it an ideal moment.

Wait a minute. It's a holiday? What holiday? Is there food involved? And all these people who are going to be visiting....will they be sharing any of this food? What are the chances that a handsome, well-behaved dog will get some good treats? Pretty good, I'd say.

As you can see, Loyal Readers, there are positives and negatives to the holiday season. The positives involve greater amounts of fabulous food. The positives also include a steady stream of visitors. Large amounts of food+lots of people=yummy food for the dog. The negatives, however, include baths and the possibility of being banished to one room in the house.

All I've got to say is the food better be damn good to warrant a bath and banishment.

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