24 November 2008

Wanted: Guard Dog

So, only a couple days after I fired Boss Lady for breaking my blog, Boss Lady fired me for not properly fulfilling my guard dog duties. As the sole dog residing in this home, I am expected to fulfill all guard dog duties. These duties involve announcing the arrival of any strange or unexpected animals into my yard, announcing the arrival of any strange or unexpected people/vehicles into my yard, announcing any strange or unexpected people who wish entry into my house, greeting any strange people who are admitted into my house, greeting any special humans who arrive home after an absence (absence being defined as any length of time outside of the house without me), scaring away any foolish Mormons who want to harass us, and generally sounding menacing whenever necessary.

Lately I have been failing at one of these important duties: that of greeting special humans when they arrive home. Twice I have failed to greet Boss Lady at the door when she arrived home late in the evening. Not only did I fail to hear her vehicle pull into the drive, I also failed to hear her open the door, and I even failed to hear her call to me. Boss Lady's Mother had to actually wake me up and warn me Boss Lady had arrived home. Then she had to instruct me to get up and say hello. Similarly, Aunt A has arrived home several times lately and I've not so much as twitched an ear. I used to loudly announce her arrival home as soon as she pulled into the driveway. While, Boss Lady is happy that I am now familiar enough with the sound of Aunt A's car that I needn't announce it as the arrival of a strange vehicle, Boss Lady deems me derelict in my duties for failing to properly greet Aunt A at the door.

Each time this has happened, Boss Lady has warned me that she expects better. "What if a stranger had just walked in?" she asks. "We could be robbed and you wouldn't even open an eye."

"But, it wasn't a stranger," I remind her. "It was you or Aunt A. Neither of you are robbers."

"Yes, but it could have been a robber," she maintains.

"Look, if it had been a robber, I would have announced him properly, but it wasn't a robber so I don't see what the problem is."

"What about C, then? Huh? You've let C just walk right in countless times lately. C doesn't even live here. You should definitely be announcing C."

"C doesn't live here, eh? Have you counted the number of times C has slept here lately. I have, it's a lot. Besides, C is over here all the time, she might as well live here. As such, she hardly qualifies as a stranger and definitely does not warrant an announcement. "

"There is still the issue of greetings. You are failing to greet us at the door. It's not as if you have a lot of work to do around here. Your chore list isn't exactly lengthy. The least you can do is greet us at the door. The bringing of a toy is totally optional, but you must come say hello."

"Fine. I'll work on the greetings. Now, can I get back to sleeping? I had a particularly tiring day, today. There were two squirrels in the yard this afternoon, and they couldn't be bothered to use the same bird feeder. I had to keep running from the living room to the dining room to keep track of them both."

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