No, I can't

As you by now have surely figured out, and despite my recent absence, I have not fallen off the face of the planet. Been abandoned: yes. Been reclaimed: yes. Been subjected to horrible trauma and cruelty: yes. Boss Lady went on vacation (which was unapproved) for a whole 5 days. She did not take me. She finally came home. Instead of taking me for a grand adventure or even a short walk to celebrate our reunion, she opened the big box that had arrived via UPS from Cabela's while she was away. And then she began the process of perfecting the fit of my two new "prizes." A doggie life vest, and a pulling harness. As in pulling rocks in a wagon, not pulling a human on skis or something crazy like that. She did say she might let me pull her around in a kayak out on a lake. But, I have to wear my doggie life vest for that. I am unimpressed. I ate another wooden spoon to properly illustrate my feelings.

Wooden spoons notwithstanding, the fit of my doggie life vest has been perfected. It took several fittings and subsequent adjustments, but it now snugly hugs my furry self. Boss Lady deems it great. She says I even manage to look handsome wearing it (seriously, she'd have to do something far worse than clothe me in a doggie life vest to arrest my handsomeness). There's only one problem: I can't walk in it. Can't move at all, in fact. The first time the Boss Lady put it on after she'd finished the adjustments, she stepped back to take a good look. She waited to see how I would react. She expected me to try to rub it off or chew it or something. I did none of those things; I just stood there, feeling ridiculous. She thought perhaps I was confused and thought I was in a stand/stay. She gave my release command, just to be sure. I still didn't move. I did look at her pleadingly, though. She called me to her to receive treats for my good behavior. I didn't come. She started laughing at me. Great, loud, belly laughs. Aimed at my poor self.

A dog can only take so much, you know. I picked up a foot, but I put it right back down. I tentatively backed up while hunching my shoulders, hoping it would slide off. It didn't, so I stopped moving. Now Boss Lady and Boss Lady's Mother were calling to me. I ignored them. They had handfuls of popcorn for me. I just looked at them. Boss Lady held a piece inches from my nose and tried to lure me to take a step. I kind of trembled. She dropped a little pile of popcorn on the floor a little bit in front of me, grabbed her camera, and waited.



It didn’t matter. Not even popcorn could free me from my inability to move. I don’t know how or why, but that stupid doggie life vest makes it quite impossible for me to move.

Boss Lady took pity and gave me a couple pieces of popcorn even though I didn’t move. She waved a couple more in front of my nose and then, finally, finally, I dared to move a single step. Just one. That’s all. But, it was a start. One step at a time, stiff legged and tortured, the Boss Lady lured me with popcorn all the way across the kitchen. How she thinks I’ll be able to swim in this get-up, I simply don’t know.